Dialectics

By weekday, I feel I’m a living dead, without escape to inevitable tribulations. Monday requires me to rise early to avoid traffic jams and scarcity of FX. I have written my Monday pangs in Monday, Bloody Monday. So I wait Friday to bring back my life. But in between I realize that this weekday also has a positive side, the yang (as opposed to yin). That is, I am able to at least exercise my faculty of thinking somewhat, in-between the sea of boredom inside this money making dungeon and ceaseless deadlines. I squeeze some time to visit some blogs, to post in my own (even if it is the lyrics of a favorite song – sometimes my mind is a blank space and cannot comprehend even a single, symmetric information).

Weekend is a different story. A couple of weeks, mornings during weekend are spent watching Alias (from Season 1 last month, I am now at Season 3) and spot up flaws in the plot (the unbelievables and ridiculous –ness of the characters' actions – at least the beauty of Jennifer Garner balances, if not make me forget those lapses). Then the most sought period – afternoon session of majhong that at times last till the morning of the following day. I term it the greatest expression of one’s self, where I am the master of destiny – I solely design my game plan. I drop everything just to play majhong. Once, when I decided to buy a computer, I told myself that I will post countless of censored-free articles to this site every weekend. But majhong got the better of me.

By weekday, I have to look presentable. One of my worries is what clothes to wear. By weekend, I really don’t care what am I wearing as long as I will be reserved a seat for my afternoon session. By weekday, I plan to devout my weekend in pursuit of one of my dreams, that is to teach (particularly to impart my little knowledge on topics I like to discuss such as history and politics). By weekend, I simply try not to remember what my plan was.

So this is what hold the balance of the status quo on me.

Landslide (The Smashing Pumpkins)

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
'til a landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can i sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can i handle the seasons of my life?

Well, i've been afraid of changing 'cause i've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And i'm getting older, too
i'm getting older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, i turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down.

Monday, bloody Monday

Monday. The day in the life that at the slightest provocation, you can go ballistic. The day in the life that existential nihilism is often romanticized - the moment you wake up early to avoid traffic jams on your way to your money-making dungeon. Up to thinking that 5 days from now, weekend is there again to cram all you want to do in life (after spending 5 lifeless days in the money making dungeon).
Monday. Every monday is an agony, a grim reminder that in order to live, one has to die, to be a part of the soulless living dead.
My friend once quipped that i always like to complain - nothing follows. Maybe i have become the mouse in Who Move my Cheese who is afraid to risk changing, even i really long for change. Quite paradoxical, but true. Maybe, i have adapted to live in this money making dungeon, regardless how revolting that may be to my sensibilities (considering i have a security of tenure and i have established friendships with my coillegues). Or maybe, the mere thought of leaving the money making dungeon is enough to bring chills to my spine, how could i support my family financially, i being the sole breadwinner.
So every Monday brings me to confront the stark reality of wanting change but not wanting to be changed. The existential dilemma. The conundrum.

Not for you (Eddie Vedder)

Restless soul, enjoy your youth
Like muhammad hits the truth
Can’t escape from the common rule
If you hate something, don’t you do it too...too...

Small my table, a-sets just two
Got so crowded, I can’t make room
Oh, where did they come from?
Stormed my room!And you dare say it belongs to you...to you...

This is not for you (3x)
Oh, not for you...ah, you......

scream...my friends...don’t call me......
friends, no they don’t scream......
my friends don’t call...my friends don’t...

All that’s sacred comes from youth
Dedication, naive and true
With no power, nothing to doI still remember, why don’t you...don’t you...

This is not for you (3x)
Oh, never was for you...fuck you...
This is not for you...
Oh, this is not for you...yeah, you...This is not for you...
Oh, not for you...Oh, you...